Grieving

Day 62

The gravity of our current situation and the lost of our dearest friend has really caught up with us. Our poor diet, poor sleep, and our overall poor lifestyle has come to a head and we've just had enough. I finished work early, it's my Friday but shortly after dinner everything had me thinking of Carl and had me crying. I'm thankful I work in the kitchen and care staff are few and far between but I couldn't hold it in any longer. Dave stayed at the bus having just as much trouble with the hurt we were both feeling. We went to the bus after I was done with work. There we sit and look at the progress we've made and what we still have yet to do. We're feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.

Dave and I have been together for 12 years now. The first 10 years of our relationship, we lived in a small town with a small population of 8,000 - 12,000 people. The kids would call around the holidays and a bit here and there. We lived in rent controlled apartments so every time I made more money our rent would go up keeping us there. It was a trap. We stayed poor. At times our cats ate better than we did. I wanted to build an Earthship on 20 - 40 acres of land and grow a garden and just live off the land mostly. I thought If I left town with the help of my family I could find a better life for us. And thus began our journey.

The last two years have been rough.

(Round 1: Search for family and happiness)

I went to Washington to get a place and start a new and send for Dave when I got settled. I met family I knew nothing about and blindly thought the grass was greener on the other side. I was my dad's maid for allowing me to live in his spare bedroom closet. My cousin offered me a housekeeping/babysitting position for a bedroom and shared bathroom/kitchen. Plus, she lived out in the woods, I was overwhelmed by the beauty and hopeful for the positive change. I sent for Dave and our animals. (snake, turtle, and 2 cats) after two months there. It was a miserable trip. Our truck was leaking, wouldn't go past 20 - 45 going up hill, dead of winter, we didn't have time to pack properly, everything was rushed and under her thumb. We go the long way back and visit my grandmother's grave. My favorite person growing up and I was denied her funeral because I was told no one would let me stay with them if I showed up having lived in a different state. It was a sore spot and not expected right off the bat. Things got real bad real fast and to make a long story short we had to leave. I had to donate my turtle (Cowpie) and our California king snake (Na-bu) to a pet store. I went to my family in hopes to start a new in a beautiful state but I met some unfavorable characters in my family that I won't ever forget. All this happened within 4 - 5 months.

(Round 2: Search for family and happiness)

Dave decides we try meeting some of his family for help in Texas. So we go to Texas and we meet his sister for the first time. I fell in love. She is just like a sister to me. We also met some other family members that didn't go over to well and we ended up having to leave Texas too. We lost my cat (Chodder) of 7 years. I had to put him down. That crushed me. I still get choked up thinking about it. We decide to go to Oregon from here having both of Dave's son's living there.

(Round 3: Search for family and happiness)

On our trip to Oregon we broke down frequently. We ended up stuck in 100+ degree weather in a wal - mart parking lot for our 4th of July holiday, petting our cat Gonzo with a wet wash cloth praying for a breeze as we drift in and out of sleep from the heat. We were stuck there for days with only $200.00 to our names and still in Texas. We cave in and buy our first cell phone, a flip track phone. We call Dave's sister for help and her husband comes down with a mechanic. Our trip took nearly a month from Texas to Oregon. The car would just stop when it got hot and it was summer time, it was already hot. It broke down in every state, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico . . . almost had a wreck in New Mexico coming out of a hail storm. I had heat rash from head to toe and swollen. I shaved my head to avoid sores from scratching. My hair was pretty long at the time. We stopped in Idaho for a bit to see Carl and put things in storage. We got to Oregon with some clothes, our computers, and a cat. Having been a caregiver for 13 years I knew finding work would be easy. Two days after arriving I was a caregiver making the most money I've ever made hourly at $10.25 not knowing at the time that I was at the bottom of the bar with my experience. Gonzo fell ill shorty after the trip and we had to put him down too. My health was declining and I had to give up care-giving but I still care and I love to cook and clean. So I became a cook at a memory care facility. This allows me to care in a different way doing something I love to do which is cook. It was a great change in my life but now I don't make no where near enough money to live in Bend even with Dave's disability. We we're denied on our application to the only apartments we could afford in Bend due to no established credit. Dave's kids are young men and have their busy lives going and we don't see them much. We lost all our animals in one way or another. We have no home. We just lost our dearest friend.

And here we are, still hoping for a brighter future, trying to make a home for ourselves here in Bend Oregon.